Christmas - not the best one for us!!!

Well... Where do I start this one??? On December 21, 2007 - our little man Chase was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. We were in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Christmas Eve. Chase is doing great - minus the pokes. But it is still very hard to go through this and to get to thinking of all the what if's and his future and what not. He is healthy and normal - as long as we do the finger sticks and insulin shots and count all his carb intake for his insulin exchange. However, I am still finding this all to be so overwhelming and painful. He is taking this all like a champ, yet as mommy, I fear that he won't have the best life or health. I know he will, because we are taking the proper care of him. It's just really hard to be fully confident that I am doing a outstanding job. I have a lump in my throat as I'm writing this.
I wonder why MY kids are put to these tests. Why me and Matt have to yet again, face challenges with another child. We lost our 1st son, and why are we now having to deal with this? Chase is the most amazing little boy ever - I'm his mom, so of course I'm gonna think that. But he is taking this so well, and shows us all the time that he's okay. I should be too. Sometimes I am. But mostly - I'm not!!! I am scared. I'm scared of him. And he's MY baby. I am grieving. I am grieving the idea of "HEALTHY" and what Chase has to go through for the rest of his life. I am also grieving for myself. I don't want to seem selfish. But I was so looking forward to next year and hopefully Chase will be potty trained for preschool and I was looking forward to some long awaited and needed freedom. Now I feel that I WILL NEVER GET IT!!! It's not like I can just leave him with someone and go out for dinner and a movie with my hubby. Not that we did that sort of thing very often anyways. But now it's the idea that we really can't. I can't do anything for just me. Not that I had opportunities to do things on my own or for me. It's the idea that all of that is lost. How can I even think of myself or even think of leaving Chase behind to do something for me? Who is going to watch my kids? No one can unless they know how to take care of a diabetic child. That requires work and lots of attention and needles and carb counting. Structure and discipline. Who the hell wants that? I don't want it! But Chase is so important to me - to us - that he is very much worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself that it could be worse, and it's better than the alternative - not having him. That is not a option that I would dare want. He is so beautiful and precious and makes my life better. And I hate this so much for him. Stupid diabetes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Makes me sick...............
I better go because I fell like I'm just being this awful mom. I feel guilty for even thinking of myself and how this makes me feel and what I'm losing as far as freedom for a few hours a day. Please pray for us as a family for strength and to get through each day - one day at a time. Pray for a cure. They are so close - but not close enough in my mind. I want it like...yesterday!
Hope your holidays were better than ours!!!
Love,
The heart broken mom - Jess

Merry Christmas from Matt, Jess & kids...

Hello and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Wow... where has the time gone? I am still trying to get over that summer just ended. I am just blown away by how fast "life" is going. I look at my babies and just try to be in the moment as much as I can. Rylie is just on the verge of starting to read, and I am so proud and excited for her, yet as Mom, also sad. I know that she is growing up and is very independant. I pulled out her new baby clothes the other week, and it was heart tugging to hold these itty bitty things up to her. She's a little lady now. So beautiful and bright... and funny. That's a Johnson thing. I admit that I don't have the funniest families. Brunettes are serious and get the bad rap for it. Oh well.

Chase is a little man and is so generous with his hugs and kisses now. He was withholding them from us for quite awhile. Now he is being this really sweet and lovey and cuddley little guy. We love it and are enjoying it b/c we do not know how long it will last. He is talking more and more each day. I'm so excited to hear what he will say next.

Matt and I have been oh so busy with Christmas parties - just for his company. Good grief already. Three weekends in a row. Then we go to San Diego in January for his annual Manager's Meeting Retreat. Looking forward to it, but always hard on mommy to leave the kiddos behind. Thank goodness my kids have 3 sets of Grandparents. Don't know what I would do without them.

I hope that this finds all of you in good health and ready for a wonderful Christmas with our little ones. Sure does make the Holidays even more fun with them. I can't wait for Christmas morning. Rylie will have a blast this year. Each year keeps getting better. The excitement from the kids makes it so much more fun for mom and dad.
Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! We love you guys and can't wait to see all the kids together next year for the big Johnson reunion. Remember we have some partying to do - I'll be turning the big 3-0 at that time. UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
Take care - Matt, Jess, Rylie & Chasers!!!