Well... Where do I start this one??? On December 21, 2007 - our little man Chase was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. We were in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Christmas Eve. Chase is doing great - minus the pokes. But it is still very hard to go through this and to get to thinking of all the what if's and his future and what not. He is healthy and normal - as long as we do the finger sticks and insulin shots and count all his carb intake for his insulin exchange. However, I am still finding this all to be so overwhelming and painful. He is taking this all like a champ, yet as mommy, I fear that he won't have the best life or health. I know he will, because we are taking the proper care of him. It's just really hard to be fully confident that I am doing a outstanding job. I have a lump in my throat as I'm writing this.
I wonder why MY kids are put to these tests. Why me and Matt have to yet again, face challenges with another child. We lost our 1st son, and why are we now having to deal with this? Chase is the most amazing little boy ever - I'm his mom, so of course I'm gonna think that. But he is taking this so well, and shows us all the time that he's okay. I should be too. Sometimes I am. But mostly - I'm not!!! I am scared. I'm scared of him. And he's MY baby. I am grieving. I am grieving the idea of "HEALTHY" and what Chase has to go through for the rest of his life. I am also grieving for myself. I don't want to seem selfish. But I was so looking forward to next year and hopefully Chase will be potty trained for preschool and I was looking forward to some long awaited and needed freedom. Now I feel that I WILL NEVER GET IT!!! It's not like I can just leave him with someone and go out for dinner and a movie with my hubby. Not that we did that sort of thing very often anyways. But now it's the idea that we really can't. I can't do anything for just me. Not that I had opportunities to do things on my own or for me. It's the idea that all of that is lost. How can I even think of myself or even think of leaving Chase behind to do something for me? Who is going to watch my kids? No one can unless they know how to take care of a diabetic child. That requires work and lots of attention and needles and carb counting. Structure and discipline. Who the hell wants that? I don't want it! But Chase is so important to me - to us - that he is very much worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself that it could be worse, and it's better than the alternative - not having him. That is not a option that I would dare want. He is so beautiful and precious and makes my life better. And I hate this so much for him. Stupid diabetes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Makes me sick...............
I better go because I fell like I'm just being this awful mom. I feel guilty for even thinking of myself and how this makes me feel and what I'm losing as far as freedom for a few hours a day. Please pray for us as a family for strength and to get through each day - one day at a time. Pray for a cure. They are so close - but not close enough in my mind. I want it like...yesterday!
Hope your holidays were better than ours!!!
Love,
The heart broken mom - Jess
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It was so good to talk to you. I'm so sorry....we talked about "I'm sorry". I know it's a trite phrase, but it's hard when you don't know what else to say. I hope you guys weren't affected by the levee break in Fernley. We'll keep you in our prayers. Thanks for keeping up with the posts! You're awesome! (Isn't it nice to have somewhere to rant a little?)
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